It’s that time again. The most sacred of all evenings has arrived. Grab your sparkly costumes and political voting, because Eurovision 2017 is here.
Last year I decided to live-blog the euro-pop extravaganza and since everyone enjoyed it so much, I decided to do it again! There will be plenty of alcohol, plenty of #shade, and no doubt some excellent dance routines.
I’ll be constantly updating the blog so make sure you keep checking back to keep up!
7.45pm: Eurovision 2017 is 15 minutes away. The wine is open(may have already had half a bottle but shh). The Chinese takeaway has been ordered. Bring it on.
7.52pm: Less than 10 minutes to go! I hope tonight is a bit cheesier than last year. Everything felt a lil’ bit too polished last year. Like, if it ain’t EuroTRASH, then it ain’t Eurovision. Am I right?!
7.57pm: EU-RO-VI-SION, EU-RO-VI-SION, EU-RO-VI-SION!!!
8.00pm: IT BEGINS!
8.01pm: I still can’t believe Ukraine won last year, Australia were robbed.
8.03pm: It looks like they’re stepping through glitter flags – surely it’s never this fabulous this early on?!
8.06pm: These contestants are all looking very classy so far. Where are the people in silver costumes and dancing turkeys?
8.09pm: Tonight the theme is diversity. It’s hosted by 3 white men. Sure, Jan.
8.10pm: So these presenters are awful, aren’t they? Give me a song, please.
8.12pm: First up is Israel! No wonder Imri is usually a backing singer… #SHADE
8.15pm: Imri is hoping that pyro and making sex eyes at the camera will save him. He is wrong.
8.16pm: This seems very early in the evening for a dramatic ballad. Violinist is BRINGING it tho.
8.19pm: Poland have gone for James Bond rather than Eurovision. They also had ‘Freedom’ flash up across the screen, because Eurovision.
8.21pm: Too many people think this is the UK’s last year in Eurovision because of Brexit. They probably think that Australia picked up and moved itself, as well.
8.23pm: I don’t even know what country that was but they finished by kissing and I thought they were brother and sister and now I’m concerned. EDIT: It was Belarus. No one cares.
8.25pm: Austria is very Jason Mraz and I LIKE IT.
8.25pm: 4 songs in and I’ve only just realised that it says what country is singing in the corner. Someone take my wine away (not really tho).
8.28pm: Austria are definitely my favourite of the night so far.
8.28pm: So Eurovision 2017 is definitely putting the ‘arm’ in Armenia. I also think they drugged the camera guy.
8.31pm: Our Chinese takeaway isn’t here yet and I’m getting hangry.
8.32pm: The Netherlands are bringing the harmonies but will it be trashy enough? That’s the real question.
8.35pm: Netherlands had some SERIOUS Wilson Phillips vibes. They were too good for Eurovision, to be honest.
8.37pm: Moldova have brought a saxophone. This is promising.
8.39pm: YES MOLDOVA. FANCY FOOTWORK. A FAKE SAXOPHONE. THIS IS EUROVISION.
8.40pm: The Chinese is here. Moldova have dominated the competition. What a time to be alive.
9.23pm: I’m back! Quick update: the Chinese was excellent and I am VERY full. Italy were great. Portugal are tipped to win but I thought the guy was terrible. Australia were great – I’m so happy they moved to Europe. Spain were like an even more terrible version of 5 Seconds of Summer. No one else was memorable or worth mentioning.
9.30pm: It’s time for the UK performance!
9.32pm: That was definitely our best entry for YEARS. Great voice, good stage show. Shame we pissed off all of Europe with Brexit.
9.34pm: Cyprus have basically just ripped off Rag N Bone Man so there’s that.
9.39pm: The duo from Romania are yodeling. This is Eurovision but in a terrible, terrible way.
9.40pm: The Romanian duo had giant cannons on stage, but they didn’t do anything with them. No glitter. No fire. Nothing. Y?
9.41pm: Graham says the song from Germany sounds like Sia so I am EXCITED.
9.42pm: No mind, this is basically just a terrible cover of Titanium. 1/10 would not recommend.
9.45pm: ROCK SONG ROCK SONG ROCK SONG!
9.46pm: It started with devil horns and nose rings. Nevermind.
9.48pm: They look like they’re wearing pillowcases. That’s all I’ve got to say, really.
9.51pm: We’ve still got 4 songs to go. I need more alcohol.
9.51pm: Belgium sounds like when someone makes you do something you really don’t want to do. I bet she has a pageant mum who forced her to do this.
9.54pm: The awful Eurovision 2017 hosts are still here. Not even a costume change can save them from the abyss.
9.55pm: Sweden was a total fuck boi who has obviously seen that OK GO video. Next, please.
10.00pm: Bulgaria is yet to go through puberty. I miss Moldova.
10.01pm: MY LAPTOP IS ABOUT TO DIE AND MY CHARGER STARTED SMOKING. ALERT ALERT.
10.02pm: Farewell, friends. Remember me well. RIP live-blogging Eurovision 2017.
10.03pm: TO TWITTER!
UPDATE: So, what were your thoughts on Eurovision 2017? I actually found the evening a bit dull compared to usual. Most of the songs were just a bit forgettable? Also, how the hell did Portugal win?! Seriously, that guy is a creep and the song sounded like a La La Land reject. Eurovision needs to majorly up its game in 2018 because it’s got some making up to do.
What did you think of Eurovisi0n 2017? Were you a fan? Was it disappointing? How creepy was the guy from Portugal?! Let me know in the comments!